Dean's Secret Prayer
by Dinosaurstrawberry
Summary: This takes place durring 5x22 after Cas leaves the car. Dean Prays/talks to God not life face to face talk  angery!sad!crying!Dean


"So what? Your the new sheriff in town?"

"Yeah I like that, I suppose I am."

"Well God gives you a brand new shiny set of wings and suddenly you're his bitch again."

"I don't know what God wants. I don't know if he will even return. I just...seems like the right thing to do."

"Well if you do see him you tell him I am coming for him next."

"You're angry."

"That's an understatement."

"He helped, maybe even more than we realized."

"That is easy for you to say, he brought you back. What about Sam? What about me huh? Where's my grand prize? All I've got is my brother in a hole!"

"You got what you asked for, Dean. No paradise, no hell, just more of the same. I mean it Dean. What would you rather have? Peace or freedom?"

Suddenly I was alone in the car. Cas was gone, probly to heaven and all that wonderful crap. Hell he got what he wanted, he gets to live and be a happy go lucky angle to rule heaven. While I am stuck here alone in this damn world.

"Dammit this isn't what I wanted. God you're defiantly messed up. You hear me! Your plan sucked I am still hear and Sam is gone along with your stupid angel Micheal! Or is this what you planned all along. You just like destroying families don't you." I felt my lips curl up, My eyes watering.

"Well things aren't the same!" I continued to shout. "Sam is gone he's not here! You had to have our family play a part in your stupid play! It wasn't enough that we never had a normal life, lost our mom, then our dad."I started to laugh to myself, hot tears streaming down my face. It was getting hard to focus on the road.

_If I didn't make that promise, I swear I would just drive off the road and kill myself now. No one needs me and the person I needed the most is gone. Just like everyone else I ever truly needed._ I slammed my hand hard on the steering wheel and gripped it tight._I thought It was hard losing Sam once,but this oh this takes the cake! This life this damn life of mine._

I was startled when my cell started to ring. Picking it up I saw it was Bobby calling. Quickly I whipped my eyes with my jacket sleeve, then opened the phone.

"You're falling behind boy."

"Yeah, Look I need to stop for a little while. I will meet you at your place later."

"Dean, don't you do anything stupid. I already-Look just don't do anything stupid alright!"

"Sure thing Bobby."

I took the Impala off to the side of the road. reached for the glove box and pulled out the bible from the motel where I caught that ghost sickness. Flipping it open to a random spot I looked down. By the street light, damn thing barely giving off any light, I read. There were different passages talking about giving your life to God and his son Jesus, and how you don't know any thing in life so just trust God and everything will be okie dokie. I flipped through again.

Psalm 22

1 My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?

_Why are You so_ far from helping Me,

_And from_ the words of My groaning?

2 O My God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear;

And in the night season, and am not silent.

3 But You _are_ holy,

Enthroned in the praises of Israel.

4 Our fathers trusted in You;

They trusted, and You delivered them.

5 They cried to You, and were delivered;

They trusted in You, and were not ashamed.

6 But I _am_ a worm, and no man;

A reproach of men, and despised by the people.

"Now see this guy understands!" I said giving a tap to the page. "Even in here God you're gone! _This is a guy that I can relate to! I am a worm for letting my brother go in that hole alone! I am no man! I am the most despised man to walk the earth for letting Sam die like that!" That is what I did just shouted out into the night on the empty road. I continued to read the rest of the chapter._

_Here this guy was being beaten down for what he believed in, feeling worse than crap, and God wasn't going to save him. The only thing that I don't get is how can this guy still be waiting for God...Dammit isn't that what I am doing. Waiting for God to answer me, I mean there is a devil and man we at least chitchatted for a while. What is it that I am suppose to do, just keep waiting and 'pray' that you will come, save, or talk to me. Well God I don't know if I can do that. Because I'm not the faithful one for religious things, that was Sam. Cas Is on a mission to find you, and hell what can I say? It is just like the search for my Dad. You, this all mighty God is just like my Dad was. I bet Cas will find you, just like I found mine. But just like my Dad you told your children to kill each other. Dammit your just going to ruin another life._

Tears pooled in my eyes and I tried to hold them in, but couldn't.

I

looked up to the sky, tears gushing out and streaming down my face. "I just wanted to keep my brother. Please God why? Why couldn't I just keep my brother alive, here, with me?" Reluctantly I started the car again. I had a promise to keep, a promise to Lisa. And I was going to keep it. Even if God didn't keep his.


End file.
